On this day, I would like to have a remembrance. If my little angel would have made it, he or she would have celebrated their first birthday. I was 10 weeks and four days along when I was at the Doctor's office. I was in because I was dealing with a very bad cold, and I thought maybe I had bronchitis. The Dr. I had that day wasn't my regular Dr., and if fact I really didn't like this Dr. at all. (I know that I am spider-webbing, but I just need to vent a little here). She (the Doctor) was just not very personal or friendly. She was just in the mode of "boom, boom, boom...git 'er done." Well, she said, "Do you want to see if we can listen to the heartbeat? You are a little early yet, but we might hear it." With my other two previous pregnancies I heard the heartbeat at 10 weeks, so when she was searching around and no heartbeat came, my heart just sank...and I just felt like something just wasn't right. Then she said, "Well, it is early yet, but by your next appointment, you will get to hear it."
On my way out of the clinic I stopped at the restroom. When I wiped, I got a streak of red...bright red. As you can imagine, my heart dropped, and I instantly was shaking and trembling. I walked back to the nurse station and asked the receptionist if I can see the Dr. again, right away. I was crying by this time. The nurses assistant came out, and I told her that I was spotting. She said, "Ok, we will take you back and have the Dr. take a look." She was sympathetic. She told me that many women spot in their pregnancies, but I hadn't with both my pregnancies...and this one was different. I know she was just trying to be nice (bless her heart) but I knew!
The Dr. came in and told me that she scheduled an ultrasound and that it would just be a few minutes. Those few minutes seemed to last an hour. Then, I went in the dark room. When the Technician started the ultrasound she had such a somber look on her face. I asked her if she saw a heartbeat at all. She told me the baby was measuring 6 weeks and 5 days. I KNOW that I wasn't only 6 weeks along. I told her that was impossible, and I was almost 11 weeks. She asked me if I was sure, and that maybe I had it miscalculated. Are you kidding? I am like clock-work. Ok, OK, I know...I was getting angry. Not at her, but at the fact that my baby was gone. All the excitement and joy for this baby was sucked out of me. I was empty. I was sad...oh, was I sad. The tech said that if the calculation was off, it could be the baby is fine and the heartbeat wasn't showing because it was too early. Well, that was the verdict.
I went back to the room, and the Dr. said that there is a little hope that things are ok. She assured me that women can spot in pregnancy. I was to come back in a couple of days for a blood test to see if numbers go up (showing pregnancy). I knew that the test was a waste of time, because our little baby was already in the arms of Jesus.
On the way home I called Terry to let him know what happened. I was crying...and my chest was heaving! He said that we shouldn't worry about it until we know for sure. I told him I knew.
The next day, at about 1:45, I started cramping. Then it got worse. Then I was in labor...seriously, I was crying out for God to just take the pain away. I just want the baby out. I just want it over. It hurt so much, and more so because I knew there was no joy after the pain. I had Nathaniel call Terry to come home when this started happening. He was fighting fires with the DNR. He couldn't make out what was happening at home, but he did come home as soon as he could. I am glad Nathaniel was home (I home schooled him last year). He was watching Caleb for me while all this was happening.
Psalm 31:9 (New International Version)
"Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief."
After it was all done, I just sat crying. Nathaniel came to me and asked if the baby was gone. I said yes. He stood there with the biggest tears in his eyes. I told him it was ok to be sad, and it's ok to cry. Then he just sobbed, and we held each other tight.
Over the next several weeks following the miscarriage I had gone through the grieving process. I don't know why I went through that. I never thought that I would miscarry...but it sure opened my eyes to how precious life is. What a miracle babies are! I know God has a plan. I know that my life is changed because of our loss. But, I will never forget my baby angel.
Psalm 119:50 (New International Version)
"My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life."